I have a dilemna. (Maybe not the best way to start... But oh well, there it is.) There are a few things in life that are unexplainable, undeniable joys for me. I love to sit around a fire telling ghost stories. I love to plan elaborately detailed trips with friends. I love to surround myself in mind-blanking flashing lights and loud music. I love death-defying amusements and cotton candy. And I love love LOVE to take pictures. So far, that probably doesn't sound like a dilemna. But here's the catch: lately, photography is making me MISERABLE.
The last few projects I've put time into have bombed. Big time. I never got payment on the last family portraits I did, because the client said she wasn't happy with how they had turned out. (This happened three weeks after I had already turned the photos over to her...) Worse than that, though, the Ladies of the SMG Calendar, which put out two spectacular years, is officially and irreparably dead. That particular project was so large scale that it easily consumed all my extra creative energy, plus it gave me a reason to collaborate with some of my best friends on a regular basis. But now? Gone. *poof*
Now, not all of this bombing is my fault. In fact, I think it's kind of a small portion of blame on my shoulders. But I still feel every last failure breathing down my neck whenever I pick up a camera. The fact that they weren't my fault doesn't even console me much... After all, how do I fix something I didn't do in the first place? And so I am starting to feel very responsible for all this fail, but totally helpless to make it less of a fail.
There are some sensible, logical solutions to this and I know people will point them out to me here. Practice makes perfect! You have to spend money to make money! While this is sound advice and all, it doesn't really help. Yes, investing more time and money into this hobby and pseudo-profession would undoubtedly make things run more smoothly, over the long run. But how much time can you devote to something that is making you crazy? How much money do you spend to fuel it? At this point, I haven't lumped a ton of funds into this odd little passion. (Other than the chunk of change I spent on a darkroom... Which is more or less useless these days, even if I stick with photography. Who shoots film anymore? I prefer it, to be honest, and would glee-out to have a medium format camera of my very own, to shoot real negatives with... But it isn't practical.) But if I were to continue on, I would eventually have to upgrade a lot of equipment. I need new lights, a better camera, a real studioooooo... Not to mention the money and time I put into costumes, sets, props. (Although if I'm honest, that's probably happening either way. After all, putting together an outfit is another love of mine...)
I guess when you boil it down, all of this is just a lot of rambling which could probably be summed up in a fairly simple question. How long do you let something that makes you happy, make you unhappy before you have to let it go?
